Thursday, September 3, 2009

It's been a helluva week

I haven't written in awhile, cuz with starting this new job, I tried to get my ass to bed at a somewhat decent time. So since I wrote last, the ex has stopped me from even talking to my children, and says he won't let me take them this weekend either. Here is my crime apparently....

As I said, I do have a very nice gentleman who is my friend, and I just so happen to have a spectacular time when I am with him, but that should be beside the point. He has never been around the children, because I feel they have been through so much this summer that to introduce them to a guy would just be wrong to do to them emotionally if I don't know if it's going to be a lasting thing. It's already bad enough they have to deal with his gf. When I had them over, my son wanted to talk to my friend. Here's how the conversation went:


"how are you doing?"

"good. here's my mommy."

Done. That was it, and apparently, I am "endangering the welfare" of my children because the ex wants his last name so he can make sure he can do a background check and make sure he's safe to be around the kids. Catch 22? He's already wrote to this friend, and told him to stay away from me and the kids. Told him he doesn't make threats, he makes promises, and told me that he was going to kill him. Sound like father of the year, or over jealous ex? I vote for the latter. Oh, "father of the year" out solely for the "protection" of his children, said his son only told him the truth about talking to my friend after he threatened to kick the "ever loving shit out of him."

Now, how's this for a court system? Nothing I can do except for file incident reports. It'll take 3-4 weeks of him denying me visitation and then another few weeks before I'll get a court date, and that's including with him threatening my son. Apparently that's not a legitimate claim to bring it back before the court.

Hey, this HUGE threat to his children...he just so happens to be a Peace Officer, Volunteer Firefighter, and has custody of his daughter and joint custody of his son, residency being with him. Mind you, in between all of this, omg, he actually WORKS! Not to mention, he has not even been around my children. Ex is such a loser he doesn't even see what an idiot he's going to make out of himself in court. I hope he gets held in contempt and goes to jail!

More of a positive note...I will do what I need to do for my children, and I will not endanger anyone else in the process of doing so. He'll get his in the long run, and in the meantime, he's just going to bury himself with the courts and the kids. They are going to resent him so much when they get older. (One time when we arguing, he put the phone on speaker phone with them in the truck, and he's told them that I love my job and this man more than I love them.) Karma is waiting for him, and I hold on to the faith that I will come out victorious. He'll find himself pouting in a corner, realizing hind sight is 20/20, and he should have just left well enough alone.

What doesn't kill me makes me stronger, and the stronger I get, the more my children will be able to have a true role model in their lives, instead of this pathetic piece of crap who just can't realize when play time is over, and it's time to grow up. Take some responsibility and be a man for once in your life!!!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Poor thang

I was out on my cigarette break today talking to this nice 19 year old pregnant woman, and she was telling me all about her wonderful husband, who just so happens to be a jealousy freak. Yeah, bad, to the point where when a guy looks at her, he says he wishes he had a gun to kill the mother fucker. Anyways, apparently he works at the same place we do, and this guy is so bad that he asked her what was she doing outside, and did she have a cigarette? She lied and said no she did not, and was so nervous the rest of the day. She ventured outside with me again, but all the while kept checking the windows wondering if he was watching her, and she would not smoke. She wouldn't even accept some Jello from me when he had the keys to her car, which also had her lunch in it. (I know when I was pregnant, I had to eat 24/7. Offer me a Slim Jim, and that was my shit with all three of my kids. lol)

Ok, he apparently has some jealousy/control issues. That much is blatantly obvious, but the girl was out there with another female. Not like she was rubbing all up on some guy. It just reminded me so much of my prior situation: her watching over her shoulder constantly, making excuses for the guy and claiming how great he is, when everyone else can plainly see he's an ass. I'm not a church goer, but I think I'm gonna pray for this girl. I see the path she's probably heading down, and I hope she sees the light before it's too late.

Monday, August 24, 2009

I see my beautiful sister found me some support. (Thanks darlin!) And thanks to everyone who reads this.

I realized today as I started out on my new job that life has been preparing me for this all along. No, not handling calls and listening to people whine about why their bill is too high (lol), but how as soon as I followed my heart to where it was trying to go for the past lord knows how many years, it's all coming into place. When I got married, I knew it was the wrong thing to do. Years later, we discussed why exactly we did end up getting married, and I was so furious at first when he said he didn't want to at the time either. I yelled at him, "If you didn't want to get married, and I didn't want to get married, then why the fuck did we get married?!?!" You see, I was mad as hell that he felt the same way I did, and never said anything. Funny how I could always blame it on him, cuz you see, I never said anything either. I'm good at passing off the blame even if I know I'm wrong, too. I'm working on that, but with him, I feel he deserves some sort of pettiness from me every now and then. As we (I) calmed down, we figured out we got married cuz his mother wanted us to. One helluva reason, huh? I walked down the aisle knowing it would never last, or at least that it wasn't meant to, but that I would try to force it to anyways, cuz I don't like to fail.

Now I realize that I did fail. I failed myself for not trusting that inner voice that told me to run. I caused years of damage due to sheer stubborness. Oh, trust me, I am not blaming the downfall of the marriage solely on myself, but what I am doing is finally accepting some liability for my decisions that were wrong. I hope to learn from here on out that it's great to be a strong person, and to want to succeed, and to want to love in the course of life. If it's meant to be, it will come and flow to you, as it is doing so far. If it's not to be, I have learned that when something in your head is screaming at you that something is wrong, when something is working on breaking apart despite all your efforts, when something that should bring you joy makes you feel as though it's not even worth the attempts at the motions of living a life, it's time to let go. It's time to set yourself free. I don't view this divorce as a failure; I see it as the course that was always meant to be. Something to finally wake me up and realize what I have inside of me, the potential, and that the time had come to release the new me to the new world. I will succeed, and not just because I'm stubborn, but because that little voice that once was yelling at me is now quiet. My decisions from here on out will be made for the right reasons, and to lead me in the right path.

Sunday, August 23, 2009


I am learning so much
about a woman that is strong.
Overcoming the odds,
and all the unjustified wrongs.

Beauty is within,
and to have confidence is more than ok.
No more reason to hurt.
No more wasting life stuck in pain.

Living life for what it is meant to be,
She's releasing her cages and her chains.
Experiencing freedom for the very first time,
letting love flow through and from her veins.

Love for herself,
and love for others.
What used to be hidden
can no longer smother.

And in this woman I experience a fierceness
finally being released.
And in this woman I experience a power,
not afraid in the least.

I am that woman.
Strong and true,
I am that woman.
Starting my life a new.

There's nothing wrong with me.
I have lack of grace and I still stand tall.
I accept what is great of me,
beautiful imperfections and all.

No title

Your love is like the ocean,so deep and true.
Never ending into the horizon as far as the eye can see.
It's beautiful and strong,flowing without ever having to be asked.
But within the beauty is also the current.
Something within you that has that need...
You lift me up and pull me back down.
In your beautiful love is where I drown.
Rise to the top and gasp for a breath,
only to be pulled back down,
treasuring that one second.
Within the current I feel the wrath,
awed and petrified of the full strenth of emotion you posess.
Rise to the top,
Breath of hope at last.
Pushed back down again,
It's not supposed to be like this.
So in your strength,I find my own.
Find myself swimming,
even when you're trying to hold me down.
As I lay on the beach,
realizing I'm more capable than I ever thought,
I realize your love is like the ocean...
Something to be admired,
but never underestimated.
Something I shall never swim too deep into ever again.

Something a little more positive...

There was a comment made today that I feel was directed towards me along the lines that I feel I am better than someone else. I thought a lot about it..."Maybe I am acting self-righteous. Maybe I am a snob. A lot of people used to think I was..." I have come to the conclusion that this is not the case. What others see in me is confidence in myself. They have insecurities in themselves, as all of us beings do, but instead of doing something to change them, they have chosen to go through life believing it's ok to have self-loathing, and that to be proud of who you are, or to be happy with yourself, automatically lands you, or in this case, myself, in their class of "holier than thou snob."

The fact is, I have worked very hard to get to this point that I am in my life. To look in a mirror and not just accept what is there, but to embrace it. My face, my body, my hair...none of them are perfect, but they are a part of me. It took a lot to learn that I don't have to be a beauty queen to still be ok with myself. It takes a lot less energy to lift yourself up instead of always fighting to keep yourself down. It feels good to have learned to accept a compliment with grace, instead of a sarcastic, "You've got to be kidding! This is wrong, and this, and this..." I never took the time to find anything positive within myself because I was always in the mirror trying to find something else I didn't like. You can do a lot of things about your looks if you're not satisfied, but if it's not something you are able to, such as a nose you feel is the wrong size, or teeth that aren't perfectly white or straight, simply accept them. Acknowledge them as something unique that makes up a part of the beauty that is You. It's so much simpler to live life in acceptance and love, as opposed to self-loathing and contempt. Please trust me on this, as I have lived life on both ends, and speak from experience.

Now, when this comment was made, I do not feel as though this person was speaking in terms solely based on the self-confidence I've embrace in my appearance, but rather in being a good person, and the positive feelings I have in regards to where I am headed in life. I've been through a lot in my life. My marriage was hell, teenage years I focused on nothing positive. I chose to live in despair, because for some reason, perhaps just immaturity and back then, depression was the "in" thing. I generally put on a happy mask, and only let a select few know the pain I felt inside. The pain at the time was very real, but I think the focus and dwelling on problems, instead of dealing with them made it more difficult. I was a child though, and I put myself in the predicament of going from child to adulthood much too quickly. I never learned to cope with my pain because I never gave myself time to discover who I am, where I wanted to be, or how to achieve things for myself to make me happy. I let another person choose my path, and make my decisions because I never learned to have the faith in myself to trust that I would make the right ones.

Well, here I am, on my own, making decisions and having enough common sense to know that I'm doing a damn good job at it. I also learned life is not over because I may have had poor judgement. Anything is fixable if you want it to be. Well, almost anything, and if it's not, I have learned to re-evaluate the situation, accept it for what it is, and learn from my mistakes. No big deal, not life ending, simply just another learning lesson. I have gone from being controlled, judged, and unappreciated to an independant woman, achieving dreams and goals, and being satisfied that life has more to offer now that I'm finally allowing it to.So, in answer to my own question earlier, "Do I feel as though I am better than anyone else?" The answer is no. I am a confident woman living my life for myself and my children. I am not capable of determining how others view me, but what I see is that I am heading in the right direction, and learning to love myself and be happy along the way. There's nothing wrong with feeling this way, nor does it deserve to be chastized because if everyone gave as much attention to themselves as they do others, they might find it enjoyable to experience "self love." For if you never learn to love yourself, you will never find anyone who will give you the love you deserve. Happiness cannot be obtained through others, but simply in gaining the understanding of who you are, and loving every part that makes you, physically, mentally, and emotionally.


Ok, so my sister, who apparently has a lot of followers on here (and reading her blogs, I can understand why), mentioned to me that I should start a blog, cuz she likes the shit she has seen me write. This is my first time doing this to the point where I don't have to worry about censoring myself so some lame ass bitches with no life go and tell my soon-to-be ex-husband what the fuck it is that I am writing.

I'm sure I'll be putting all sorts of things on here, but I think I will start with the biggest thing that is on my mind at the moment, considering the pure immaturity I am forced to deal with almost daily cuz I have such a fantastic, and definitely that is meant as sarcastic, ex! When he left me for another woman after years of emotional and physical abuse, I thought I would go crazy. I swear, all the shit I had put up with from him for years, right down the line from broken nose to choking til I almost passed out to being the sole supporter of the family cuz his ass was too lazy to work, and then the motherfucker took all my money! Anyways, I am rambling, cuz I've held this in for just a little while. So, he leaves me for a woman who's pregnant with her husband's baby, and he plays little mind games regarding our kids constantly!!! I finally find a man who, so far, seems nice enough, and even though it's ok for him to have a tramp around, I get called a whore, and this, so far, really nice guy gets called a child molester cuz he's 12 years older than I am!

Now, I don't know about you all, but if a 38 year old man and a 26 year old woman want to be friends and have some seriously fantastic fun along the way, that does not make him a pedophile. I mean seriously, we're talking about someone who once literally arrested a pedophile, and made sure he got put away.

Once again, I get side tracked. My true point in all of this is that I have tried to be a good person throughout my life. I realize how to treat people, give respect when it's deserved, and no more of a loyal friend could you ever find. I tried really hard once I got past the pain, and realized I was just simply glad that someone came between he and I, to be the grown up (once again) and to wish that someday he might find happiness.

I tried, I truly did, to feel that way. You see, but his ignorant ass does not make it easy, and all I ever hear out of his mouth is that I'm a no good mother, and that if I chew gum wrong, he will take my kids and I will never see them again. So maybe that example hasn't been used yet, but it's so much like his other bs threats, that it very well could be his next one. So, I tried to be grown up and wish him happiness, but the truth is, I can still be grown up and hope that this skanky bitch he is with will someday cause him immense, soul-crushing pain. Oh, and I hope that her husband gets back from boot camp and kicks his self-righteous ass. I would love to see how he would handle a fight when it doesn't involve a woman! lol)

I will write more later, and I swear, there will be more uplifting things. Despite dealing with the asshole, this divorce is one of the greatest things I ever could hope to experience! It's so nice to gain an understanding of myself, and to get my life back together after 9 years of hell. So, I am sorry for bitching, but for anyone who reads this, I hope you understand that I had to let this out, and there will be better from here on out.

-Miss Catalina ~xoxo~