Something a little more positive...

There was a comment made today that I feel was directed towards me along the lines that I feel I am better than someone else. I thought a lot about it..."Maybe I am acting self-righteous. Maybe I am a snob. A lot of people used to think I was..." I have come to the conclusion that this is not the case. What others see in me is confidence in myself. They have insecurities in themselves, as all of us beings do, but instead of doing something to change them, they have chosen to go through life believing it's ok to have self-loathing, and that to be proud of who you are, or to be happy with yourself, automatically lands you, or in this case, myself, in their class of "holier than thou snob."

The fact is, I have worked very hard to get to this point that I am in my life. To look in a mirror and not just accept what is there, but to embrace it. My face, my body, my hair...none of them are perfect, but they are a part of me. It took a lot to learn that I don't have to be a beauty queen to still be ok with myself. It takes a lot less energy to lift yourself up instead of always fighting to keep yourself down. It feels good to have learned to accept a compliment with grace, instead of a sarcastic, "You've got to be kidding! This is wrong, and this, and this..." I never took the time to find anything positive within myself because I was always in the mirror trying to find something else I didn't like. You can do a lot of things about your looks if you're not satisfied, but if it's not something you are able to, such as a nose you feel is the wrong size, or teeth that aren't perfectly white or straight, simply accept them. Acknowledge them as something unique that makes up a part of the beauty that is You. It's so much simpler to live life in acceptance and love, as opposed to self-loathing and contempt. Please trust me on this, as I have lived life on both ends, and speak from experience.

Now, when this comment was made, I do not feel as though this person was speaking in terms solely based on the self-confidence I've embrace in my appearance, but rather in being a good person, and the positive feelings I have in regards to where I am headed in life. I've been through a lot in my life. My marriage was hell, teenage years I focused on nothing positive. I chose to live in despair, because for some reason, perhaps just immaturity and back then, depression was the "in" thing. I generally put on a happy mask, and only let a select few know the pain I felt inside. The pain at the time was very real, but I think the focus and dwelling on problems, instead of dealing with them made it more difficult. I was a child though, and I put myself in the predicament of going from child to adulthood much too quickly. I never learned to cope with my pain because I never gave myself time to discover who I am, where I wanted to be, or how to achieve things for myself to make me happy. I let another person choose my path, and make my decisions because I never learned to have the faith in myself to trust that I would make the right ones.

Well, here I am, on my own, making decisions and having enough common sense to know that I'm doing a damn good job at it. I also learned life is not over because I may have had poor judgement. Anything is fixable if you want it to be. Well, almost anything, and if it's not, I have learned to re-evaluate the situation, accept it for what it is, and learn from my mistakes. No big deal, not life ending, simply just another learning lesson. I have gone from being controlled, judged, and unappreciated to an independant woman, achieving dreams and goals, and being satisfied that life has more to offer now that I'm finally allowing it to.So, in answer to my own question earlier, "Do I feel as though I am better than anyone else?" The answer is no. I am a confident woman living my life for myself and my children. I am not capable of determining how others view me, but what I see is that I am heading in the right direction, and learning to love myself and be happy along the way. There's nothing wrong with feeling this way, nor does it deserve to be chastized because if everyone gave as much attention to themselves as they do others, they might find it enjoyable to experience "self love." For if you never learn to love yourself, you will never find anyone who will give you the love you deserve. Happiness cannot be obtained through others, but simply in gaining the understanding of who you are, and loving every part that makes you, physically, mentally, and emotionally.